Just Call Me Virginia
by Random Dent
Summary: *Slash* Remedying the lack of drag in Hornblower stories - our favourite officers meet a mysterious stranger at a party.


1 Warning: Slash (m/m), cross-dressing and rampant innuendo.  
  
Disclaimer: The fine officers herein are not mine, otherwise the series would have been a little more… interesting.  
  
Story notes: Around 'The Frogs and the Lobsters'; I've changed the ship the Major travels on.  
  
2  
  
3  
  
4 Just call me.... Virginia  
  
  
  
Horatio was most definitely feeling the worse for wear. He was unsure exactly who Archie knew to get invited to this kind of party, but he was thoroughly enjoying himself. However, after a few glasses of wine, he had gotten a little worried about the presence of all these lovely, and so very available, young men, that he was afraid of losing Archie somehow and was now holding onto him in a very undignified manner. Archie had put up a token struggle, complaining about loss of circulation, but had now given up and was resigned to circulating around the party with a Horatio shaped limpet attached to him.  
  
He twisted round in Horatio's grasp to kiss him, and said, "You are going to have to sober up. There are certain things I will want you to remember in the morning"  
  
"Am sober."  
  
"Yes, and I am the First Sea Lord"  
  
"Mmmmn, sounds rude". Horatio began giggling and kissing his neck.  
  
Archie sighed. At that moment a new visitor swept into the room, with such poise and presence that the whole room turned to stare at him. He had blonde hair, hanging long and loose at his shoulders, piercing eyes and a haughty demeanour. However, what was causing the most attention was the dress, a vision in scarlet flowing beautifully to the floor. He scanned the room, lingering far a moment on Archie and the Horatio-limpet, but then going and sitting on a couch, before producing a fan and fanning himself in a most coquettish manner. Archie looked at Horatio.  
  
"You have your mouth open."  
  
Horatio shut it.  
  
"Sorry, its just, he, well.."  
  
"Is somewhat striking?"  
  
"Yes. You'righ, need to sober up. Fresh air?"  
  
Archie nodded.  
  
'Fresh air' had involved a good deal more kissing and an awful lot more groping than Archie had intended, and it was only his pointing out that there were some areas that one really did not want to have close encounters with the rose bushes that had dampened Horatio's ardour. He was now a lot more sober yet was unwilling to release the vice like grasp on Archie. Indeed, after their escapade outside a new element of discomfort had entered the situation, but Archie was going to make Horatio damn well wait if he was going to embarrass him this much. In fact, if Horatio was going to be jealous then he could at least have something to be jealous about.  
  
"I'm going to talk to him."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The striking vision in red."  
  
Horatio looked unhappy and was about to say something, but Archie just led him over to where the man was still sitting, and sat down upon the couch next to him, angling to face him, while Horatio sat behind him, arms jealously holding Archie tight against him and looking at the other man over Archie's shoulder. Archie reached out and gently touched the man's arm.  
  
"A most beautiful dress, both in fabric and design"  
  
"If one can afford it, beauty is easy to acquire"  
  
"Ah, but to have the beauty to wear it so well cannot be bought"  
  
Horatio tightened his grip on Archie. He was not just flirting with the man, but speaking like a character in a third rate romantic novel. The evening had taken a turn for the worse, and he could feel jealousy bubbling within him. The other man noticed this.  
  
"Your friend seems unhappy."  
  
"He is jealous. He was as much taken by you as I was. You made quite an entrance."  
  
The man in red smiled, "And you two made quite a picture standing there. I perceive by your clothing that you are in the navy"  
  
Archie nodded, "But if you are about to make a comment about sailors, please do not. I feel I have heard all of them tonight."  
  
"I would not dream of it"  
  
"If I were to perceive by your clothing I would say by your scarlet that you are in the army."  
  
"You, sir, are more right than you imagine"  
  
The man then leaned forward and kissed Archie, pressing him back into Horatio. The man withdrew and as Horatio opened his mouth to protest he used this opportunity to kiss him, causing Horatio to moan with surprise and pleasure.  
  
"I find that small talk pales quite quickly", still leaning across them.  
  
"Well, it would seem that some names are in order. I rely on your discretion sir, if we give you our real names?" The other man nodded, " Archie and Horatio"  
  
"I however, have a dislike for my real name sirs… I feel it would be better if you addressed me as Virginia"  
  
Horatio grinned. "I take it that the name is in no way descriptive?"  
  
Virginia stood up. "I have always been told that practical investigation is the best way to prove a hypothesis"  
  
************ ************  
  
Horatio and Archie were stood on the quayside waiting to put aboard the French soldiers and the men of the 95th Foot. As their officer rode up, resplendent on his horse Archie's mouth dropped open, but he was conscious enough of his new-found rank to shut it again. He looked sidelong at Horatio who seemed oblivious. Only small parts of the conversation filtered through to Archie's brain.  
  
"…call me 'my lord'" // That's not what you said before. Lots of other things, yes, but not 'My Lord'. Do you remember us or are we part of a cast of hundreds I wonder? //  
  
"… presentation of the men is a reflection on their officers.." // And you would know all about presentation. And discipline. And lots of other fine military talents that I'm sure come in very handy on the battlefield. //  
  
Archie had been continually glancing towards Horatio, who showed no reaction. Archie took the first opportunity to talk to him, as quietly as possible so as not to rouse suspicion.  
  
"Do you not recognise him?"  
  
"No, should I?"  
  
"I knew you had a terrible memory for faces, but not that bad!" Horatio continued to look confused, so Archie continued. "Perhaps if you were to imagine those aristocratic features atop a ravishing red dress, or perhaps without the dress…"  
  
It was Horatio's turn to gape in shock.  
  
"And since you are the ranking officer perhaps it would be best if you shut your mouth?"  
  
"S-sorry, it is just… I am now re-living certain experiences."  
  
"Then we are fortunate that today's weather is suited for cloaks, sir."  
  
Horatio blushed and wrapped the cloak about himself.  
  
Archie grinned. He was going to enjoy torturing Horatio. "I am sure it will be a pleasure serving under him once more."  
  
"Archie…"  
  
"One is assured that he will be a most admirable swordsman…"  
  
"Archie, please."  
  
"An excellent rider, and most likely, a consummate orator."  
  
"Archie shut up, right now, or I will be forced to ravish you right here on the dockside."  
  
"I shall take that as a promise."  
  
************ **************  
  
Horatio was coming off watch to get some sleep when he was grabbed and pulled into a cabin. He was about to protest when he registered who was in the room. Archie was lying on the bed, managing to look decadent in a tattered and battered uniform, while the earl, who had pulled him into the room most forcefully still had his arms about Horatio's waist.  
  
"I see I am fortunate in my posting for this escapade to France."  
  
He kissed Horatio on the lips, then began to move down his neck. Horatio was enjoying this immensely, but his rational mind was still protesting.  
  
"Yet also most unfortunate, my lord."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"For the wooden walls which so defend our island are not blessed with soundproofing. Of any kind. So any… dalliances would be unwise in the extreme."  
  
Edrington looked doubtful and turned to Archie.  
  
"Aye, my lord. Privacy is not a word that exists aboard ship."  
  
The earl looked visibly crestfallen. "Then – how do you cope with such exquisite temptation?"  
  
"My lord?"  
  
"I am meaning the temptation of such proximity with beauty." The earl was looking them both up and down with a predatory eye.  
  
"The navy trains one in restraint." Said Horatio.  
  
Archie could not help but grin. "And a frequent acquaintance with Mrs. Palm and her five lovely daughters."  
  
Horatio blushed and squirmed slightly.  
  
"Ah, so it is shameful for oneself, but not if another…"  
  
"Stop, right now. This cannot get out of hand gentlemen."  
  
"My thoughts exactly…"  
  
"Archie!"  
  
************** **************  
  
The Muzillac debacle having ended the Earl had invited Horatio and Archie back to his manor house. This much Horatio could remember, but other events were proving more elusive to pin down. There was a vague recollection of Archie, prompted by abstention and the motion of the coach, suggesting that they began re-acquainting themselves on the coach journey, but hitting a deep rut on the road outside town with very painful consequences had put a stop to that.  
  
Horatio was still trying to work out what else had happened. He had a feeling it had been.. nice, and there had been one of the earl's friends who had been… interesting but couldn't recall what else. And there was the matter that he was now in bed, alone. There was a gentle rap on the door and a figure entered.  
  
"Archie?"  
  
"Come on, slug-a-bed. It's a beautiful day outside, and the earl has strawberries which I have ideas for."  
  
"Umm… Archie…?"  
  
"And the roses are in bloom as well."  
  
"Archie!"  
  
"Hmn?"  
  
"Um, I, mean, well, ah… why are you wearing a dress?"  
  
"Don't you like it?"  
  
"No, no, it's lovely." Ravishing would have been a better word. The dress was elegant rather than provocative, and Horatio was having thoughts as to whether Archie was wearing anything under it… "It's just… why?"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Why indeed? "Sorry…"  
  
Archie sighed. "If you want me to get changed I will. But you are missing the best part of the day."  
  
"No, don't get changed. I do like it."  
  
Archie brightened, and disappeared out of the room. He was back moments later and threw something onto the bed. Horatio picked it up and looked at it.  
  
"I am not wearing a dress."  
  
Archie sat on the edge of the bed and batted his eyelids. "It's your size. And your colouring. You'd look lovely."  
  
"Archie, flashing some ankle does not work if the ankle is hairy and muscled."  
  
"Can't blame a girl for trying."  
  
"Anyway I can't wear the dress. It clashes with yours."  
  
"Course it does. You have different colouring. And the only person likely to be watching is the earl, and I think he can deal with it."  
  
"What about…."  
  
"I'm sure he'd love it. Please Horatio?"  
  
*************** **************  
  
Horatio still stood inside the house, more than a little doubtful.  
  
"You look wonderful. Please, come outside and show the others." Archie could see that he wasn't being entirely convincing, so continued. "The cut really shows off your height, and its got a wonderful line to it. Please?"  
  
Horatio looked at himself once more. If he was going to wear a dress he was damn well going to do it with aplomb. He offered an arm to Archie, who took it.  
  
"Ready, Miss. Kennedy?"  
  
"Always, Miss. Hornblower."  
  
They found the earl sat on blanket on the lawn, picnic ingredients next to him. He smiled at the two officers.  
  
"Archie, your powers of persuasion should be legendary."  
  
"I thought you already had found that out." Archie looked around. "Alone, my lord?"  
  
Edrington nodded towards the ornamental lake as a figure emerged form it. Horatio gasped.  
  
"Mr. Darcy!" 


End file.
